Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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