There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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