Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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