what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
