I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
40s are totally the cure
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
