tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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