How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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