i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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