please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
