There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Can I color on your dick again?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
