Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
