guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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