Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
