everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
