He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
