Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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