i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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