so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
