i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
