Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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