Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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