Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
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There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I did not marry a roomba.
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