I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
