Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
