ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
