Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
