There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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