her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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