the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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