I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
