I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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