My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
