apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
