Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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