Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.