Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
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somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.