So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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