you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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