Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
