the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think my moral compass just broke
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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