bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
