I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
