so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
