I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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