I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you had me at cake vodka
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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