i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
