Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry about my life...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
