When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
