i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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