Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
