listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
