I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
