based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Green mimosas i think yes
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
