What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
