btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
