last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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