the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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